mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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