i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
