Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
