I just cut my nipple shaving
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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