i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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