WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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