Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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