Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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