so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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