woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
