I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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