If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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