My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Apparently every Tri-Delt knows what I did and I am blacklisted from ever dating anyone in that house.
Well ya you lied, told her you cared, took her virginity and then broke up with her at Christies Toy Box.
I honestly thought the dildo was a nice parting gift.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
