i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize
