You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
