If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
