the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
