She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
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