I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
