I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
meet me or not, i'm out of control
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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