My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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