turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
