Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
