The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize