I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
