you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
