what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
They took my balls.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Randomize
