Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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