it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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