im drinking this country out of the recession.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
