We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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