Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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