I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
