I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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