I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Randomize
