It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
she woke up with a sticky ear
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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