too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
