put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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