allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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