he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
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