so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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