If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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