somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
