I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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