Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize
