So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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