I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
