Its a bunch of hippies dancing in front of a stobe light. For ten dollars I could have gone to the strip club and at least had a lap dance
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize