I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize