Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
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