I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
