I am puke
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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