Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
My orgasm happened in two different decades
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize