Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Randomize
