Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
