WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
