After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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