booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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