I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
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